Upstart Crow Read online

  ABOUT THE BOOK

  It’s the 1590s. William Shakespeare – brought to life on screen by the inimitable David Mitchell – is at the start of his career. But no one is taking him seriously. In London he is mercilessly mocked by his rivals and at home in Stratford he is belittled by his sullen teenage daughter.

  Yet he is determined to find an ending for his newest creation, Romeo and Juliet. Luckily, inspiration is forthcoming. The trials and tribulations of his closest friends and family reveal the plot twists he’s been missing. And not only for this famous tragedy but for many of his finest plays.

  With all his trademark wit, sparkling wordplay and some hilarious gags, Ben Elton celebrates the great William Shakespeare and sheds a joyous new light on the playwright ’s best-known plays.

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  About the Book

  Title Page

  Introduction

  Principal Dramatis Personae

  First Folio

  Episode 1: Star-crossed Lovers

  Episode 2: The Play’s the Thing

  Episode 3: The Apparel Oft Proclaims the Man

  Episode 4: Love Is Not Love

  Episode 5: What Bloody Man Is That?

  Episode 6: The Quality of Mercy

  Second Folio

  Episode 1: The Green-eyed Monster

  Episode 2: I Know Thee Not, Old Man

  Episode 3: I Did Adore a Twinkling Star

  Episode 4: Food of Love

  Episode 5: Beware My Sting!

  Episode 6: Sweet Sorrow

  Glossary

  About the Author

  Also by Ben Elton

  Copyright

  INTRODUCTION

  The Crow Folios first emerged in 2015 in the form of a situation comedy broadcast by the BBC and attributed to the pen of comic author Ben Elton. It has since emerged that Elton is not the author and that the Crow Folios are not a sitcom. They are, in fact, the most important discovery in the history of English literature and nothing less than direct verbatim transcripts of episodes from the life of William Shakespeare.

  As Jonson had his Boswell, Shakespeare too had a loyal scribe who saw it as his (or her) duty to record the daily doings of the man destined to be recognized as the greatest writer who ever lived. But who was this loyal scribe? The folios offer no clues and so scholars can only guess at the authorship.

  The episodes described are confined principally to two locations: Shakespeare’s family home in Stratford and his lodgings in London. When the Crow Folios were understood to be a BBC sitcom, this paucity of locations was deemed a simple factor of studio economics. To put it bluntly, the BBC could only afford two decent sets. However, knowing that the Crow Folios are actually sixteenth-century transcripts, we can now draw a very different conclusion. It seems likely that Shakespeare’s diligent biographer was a member of either his Stratford or his London household. But which?

  Ned Bottom can be dismissed immediately as he could not read or write. This same point almost certainly rules out both Anne and Mary Shakespeare. Few women were properly educated in Elizabethan England and the folios themselves mention Anne and Mary’s illiteracy on a number of occasions. The folios do not paint John Shakespeare in a favourable light and he appears to have been lazy and generally drunk. It therefore seems unlikely he would have had either the energy or the interest to record his son’s adventures.

  This leaves Kit Marlowe, Susanna Shakespeare and Kate the Landlady’s Daughter as viable candidates. Of these, Marlowe seems the least likely. The early papers are packed with evidence that Shakespeare wrote Marlowe’s plays, a revelation Elizabethan England’s second most famous playwright would not have wanted to make public. What’s more, like John Shakespeare, Kit Marlowe was slothful and generally on the piss. Why would he waste time ensuring Shakespeare’s legacy when he could be spending it gorging on pie and quaffing ale?

  Susanna Shakespeare and Kate the Landlady’s Daughter are therefore the only credible candidates. But neither would have had full access to Shakespeare’s activities. Perhaps they imagined or used reported speech to chronicle the episodes in Shakespeare’s life at which they were not present. Or – as suggested by some scholars – perhaps the two young women collaborated. After all, the folios indicate that after an initial conflict they became friends.

  There is, of course, the possibility that Shakespeare himself penned the folios and disguised his authorship by depicting some scenes that do him no credit. The fact that the folios seem most anxious to reflect the Bard’s conviction that he was not bald gives some credence to this theory.

  Or it could have been a ghost. Or Francis Bacon. Or an ancestor of the actor Mark Rylance.

  PRINCIPAL DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE – A writer whose plays are generally considered the greatest ever works of English literature. Or a useful sedative which guarantees a restful sleep without recourse to drugs. Opinion remains divided.

  ANNE SHAKESPEARE – Will’s wife. Previously a milkmaid who only married Will because she was pregnant. Her maiden name was Hathaway and in light of the circumstances of her marriage some scholars have speculated that this was a derivative of ‘Have It Away’.

  SUSANNA SHAKESPEARE – Will and Anne’s teenage daughter. Permanently furious, as indeed you would be if you had a dad who took three or four pages of blank verse to say ‘Pass the pie’.

  JOHN SHAKESPEARE – Will’s dad. A man so dodgy that history records in 1592 he was fined for non-attendance at church, the reason being he owed the entire congregation money.

  MARY SHAKESPEARE – Will’s mum. A snooty posh bird from the famous Arden family. Now slightly embittered, as indeed you would be if you were married to a grottsome old barfing hog like John Shakespeare.

  KIT MARLOWE – Spy. Atheist. Quaffer. Gorger. Shagger of anything on two legs and at a stretch possibly four. He was a seriously naughty boy.

  KATE THE LANDLADY’S DAUGHTER – Sweet, fragrant and a raging femmo. A cultured and brilliant young woman prepared to do whatever it took to overcome the appalling misfortune of being born without a cod-dangle. She also really, really wanted to be a star because it was her dream.

  NED BOTTOM – Will’s servant. Viewed by his master as an amiable dullard without wit or education. Will’s low opinion of Bottom may have been because Bottom seems to be one of the few people with the honesty to point out that Shakespeare’s plays can be very, very boring. Which is, after all, what everybody secretly thinks.

  MISS LUCY – The tavern keeper. Miss Lucy was a real character in Elizabethan London. She was African and possibly an escaped slave and she ran a brothel. The fact that she is depicted in the Crow Folios as having run a pub offers surprising evidence that Elizabethan writers followed modern BBC guidelines and avoided depicting black characters as sex workers.

  ROBERT GREENE – Entitled posh boy and snootish pamperloin. Also a writer. His most famous work was Friar Bacon and Friar Bungay, a play with the literary distinction of making Shakespeare’s works look concise and easy to follow.

  EPISODE 1

  STAR-CROSSED LOVERS

  This fascinating window into Shakespeare’s life was the first Upstart Crow folio to be discovered. In it can be found the source of Shakespeare’s teen romance Romeo and Juliet. History suggests that Shakespeare pinched the plot of Romeo and Juliet from Arthur Brooke’s 1562 long-form narrative poem Romeus and Juliet. But this episode and Shakespeare’s great and slightly pervy snogging play (Juliet was thirteen, after all) suggest the similarities are coincidental. A remarkable case of life imitating art.

  WILL’S STRATFORD HOME – DAY

  Will and his family be all present. His parents, John and Mary Shakespeare, sit in comfort by the fire. His young twins playeth cup and b
all. His wife Anne plucketh a goose. His daughter Susanna be upstanding, reading from a manuscript.

  SUSANNA: ‘Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?’ Sorry, Dad, how old’s this sad weirdo supposed to be?

  WILL: The maid be thirteen, my sweet.

  SUSANNA: Yeah, cos I’m thirteen.

  WILL: Exactly, I … I thought it might be fun to hear my Juliet spoke in her true voice, before a middle-aged man with two half coconuts down his bodice gets hold of it.fn1

  SUSANNA: I don’t say stuff like this, Dad. I’d sound like a complete turnip!

  WILL: Yes, dear, ’tis thy sweet and youthful timbre I would fain hear, not the monosyllabic series of grunts that passes for your conversation.

  SUSANNA: Argh! What? Urgh!

  WILL: I take the view that having my romantic ingénue say, ‘Er, what, shut up, Romeo. You’re so weird. Er! Er, shut up! I hate you’ would be slightly less effective than mine own timeless poetry.

  Susanna sitteth down in high dudgeon.

  JOHN: Timeless is the word. As in, feels like goes on for bloody ever.

  WILL: You’ve never given it a chance. You’ve only seen Henry the Sixth Part One.

  JOHN: Part one? What, you mean there’s more? I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, son, but God I was bored. I thought I was actually outside my own body watching meself die.fn2

  MARY: He sat there cracking his nuts in the quiet bits. I tried to shush him, but he would not be shushed. He’s a stubborn man, your father, William. A stubborn common man.

  JOHN: Which is why you married me. Posh birds love a bit of rough.fn3

  MARY: I married beneath me and now you’ve done the same, William.

  ANNE: And what’s that supposed to mean?

  MARY: It means that he was seventeen and he got a scheming little twenty-six-year-old tithe-farm milking slap up the duffington, that’s what!fn4

  ANNE: Ooh, you think you’re so posh, Mary Arden. Like you ain’t sewn into your winter knickers like everybody else!

  Will leaps to his feet in frustration.

  WILL: I’m trying to work. I’ve come from London to hear Sue read my Juliet.

  ANNE: Well, I’m not happy, doll. Burbage pays you as an actor, not a writer.fn5

  WILL: It’s fine. I’ve sent word to the theatre that the two tunnels which lie beneath the bridge be blocked.

  ANNE: Pardon?

  WILL: The two tunnels which lie beneath the bridge be blocked. Two tunnels? Beneath a bridge? Anyone?

  All do stare at Will most blankly.

  WILL: Nose, my loves! Nose! I’ve told Burbage that my nose be snotted and I would not work this week or next.

  ANNE: Well, why didn’t you just say ‘nose’?

  WILL: It’s what I do! Now, Susanna, again.

  SUSANNA: All right, if I have to.

  Susanna commenceth to recite once more.

  SUSANNA: ‘Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?’

  She hurleth down the script.

  SUSANNA: Dad, nobody talks like this!

  WILL: It’s poetry. Sometimes I regret teaching you to read.

  ANNE: I do think it could be a little less flowery, love. I mean, why doesn’t she just say, ‘Where are you, Romeo?’?

  WILL: Because, my love, it doesn’t mean ‘Where are you?’ It means ‘Why are you Romeo?’

  ANNE: That’s a bit weird.

  SUSANNA: Yeah, Romeo’s just his name.

  WILL: Exactly. Juliet is saying, ‘Why are you a member of a family that I hate?’

  ANNE: People will definitely think you mean, ‘Romeo, where are you?’

  SUSANNA: That’s what I thought it meant.

  MARY: Yes, I did too.

  JOHN: It’s bloody obvious.fn6

  ANNE: I think to be clear you’re gonna have to have Juliet say, ‘Romeo, Romeo! Why are you called Romeo?’

  SUSANNA: ‘A member of a family that I hate.’

  ANNE: That’d do it. Although, if I was being really picky, Romeo’s just his Christian name, isn’t it? And that’s not the issue. It’s his surname that’s the problem.

  WILL: Well, yes, actually I was sort of hoping people wouldn’t notice that.

  ANNE: I think they might.fn7

  SUSANNA: Duh!

  WILL: So you think she should say, ‘Montague, Montague! Wherefore art thou Montague?’?

  ANNE: No, cos that’d sound like she’s lost her cat.

  WILL: Look, it’s, it’s probably best if you leave this to me, my love. I’m on a bit of a roll. I’m particularly pleased with the comedy scene where a group of rival serving men exchange a series of increasingly obscure insults.fn8

  ANNE: Will, I’ve told you, don’t do comedy. It’s not your strong point.

  WILL: It is my strong point, wife. It just requires lengthy explanation and copious footnotes. If you do your research, my stuff is actually really funny.fn9

  WILL’S LONDON LODGINGS – DAY

  Bottom, a serving man, and Kate, a maid, be going about domestic drudgery.

  KATE: So excited to hear about Mr Shakespeare’s teen romance. It’s such a good idea for a story.

  BOTTOM: Yeah, it’s all right, I suppose. Better than his usual stuff.

  KATE: Has he let slip any hints about the romance plot?

  BOTTOM: Er … This lad falls in love with this lass and she falls in love with him … and they live happily ever after.fn10

  Kate smiles.

  BOTTOM: Nice and short, which makes a change from his Henrys.fn11

  KATE: And an amazing part for a girl.

  BOTTOM: Kate, you’ve gotta drop that. Just cos your mum rents rooms to my master don’t mean he’s gonna put you in one of his plays!

  KATE: It just seems so unfair that the theatre employs men to perform female roles, when I, a real woman, am ready and eager.

  Will entereth, raiment spotted from his journey.

  WILL: Ah, Kate! Splendid. Store these new pages in my bureau, would you? (Handeth Kate some papers and sits down) And, Bottom, bring ale and pie.

  BOTTOM: A ‘Good morrow”d be nice.

  WILL: Ah, I’m famished. The coach promised a refreshment cart, but oh, not on this particular service, you’ll be stunned to hear.

  BOTTOM: I hate it when they do that!

  WILL: Plus, they were filling ruts twixt Stokenchurch and Chipping Norton and had laid on replacement donkeys. In fact, one donkey for six of us plus bags. Of course, the snortish brute guffed its last after but three furlongs and they had to send for another from Birmingham. We spent two nights in a hedge. And did we see a single rut being filled? Oh no, I was forgetting, this is England. One wouldst more likely see a toothless crone with a tooth than an English rut-filler actually filling a rut. Fortunately I had quill and ink and was able to make passing use of the time.

  Kate has been reading the papers.

  KATE: My God, Mr Shakespeare, it’s brilliant. Timeless, deathless. The most tragical history of Romeo and Julian.

  Will stands.

  WILL: Oh, er, yes, I … That should be Juliet, obviously. ‘Romeo and Julian’ was but a working title. Early exploratory stuff. It meanteth nothing.fn12

  BOTTOM: Yeah, right.

  WILL: What?

  BOTTOM: Well, come on, master. We live in t’same house. I’ve heard you reading out your sonnets. Especially one to a hundred and twenty-six.

  WILL: Those poems are about a platonic hierarchical relationship. God’s naughty etchings! Why does everybody presume that just because I write a hundred and twenty-six love poems to an attractive boy, I must be … I must be some kind of bechambered hugger-tugger.

  KATE: Juliet is an utterly amazing part.

  WILL: Yes, I really think I’ve got her voice.

  KATE: You have! You have! She’s perfect.

  WILL: The real challenge will be to find an actor to do her justice. Master Condell was quite brilliant as Queen Margaret in my Henrys, but I fear he’d be too old to play the ingénue. On the other hand, I don’t want a boy. T
hese downy-scrotumed squeakers lack depth.

  KATE: Ah-hem!

  WILL: Pardon, Kate? Leaping amphibian caught in the ruby pipe, which starts with a swallow but knows naught of birds?

  KATE: Pardon?

  BOTTOM: I think he means have you got a frog in your throat? But you can never be sure with him.fn13

  A knock be heard.

  BOTTOM: I’ll get it. As if anyone else was ever going to.

  WILL: Yes, Bottom, or alternatively I could get it and you could write a play and use the money you earn to pay me. Except, hang on, no, that wouldn’t work because you can’t read or write. So perhaps our current distribution of labour is the sensible and equitable one.

  BOTTOM: That’s just mean, that is.

  Bottom departeth. Kate holdeth the pages most expectantly.

  KATE: Ahem.

  WILL: What?

  KATE: I was hinting that the answer to your Juliet dilemma could be …

  The maid pointeth at her own visage.

  WILL: Oh, Kate, don’t go there. Lady acting is illegal. Besides which, girls can’t act. Just as they cannot practise law, cure the sick, handle financial matters or stand for any office.

  KATE: But no woman has ever been allowed to try any of those things.

  WILL: Because they can’t do them. God’s bodikins, Kate, what’s not to get? Now, please, forget this nonsense and let me focus. It’s not Juliet I’m worried about, it’s Romeo. I can’t seem to get a handle on him. His character eludes me.

  Kate departeth. Bottom entereth.

  BOTTOM: Master Robert Greene is without.

  WILL: Rob Greene? Who doth hate my gutlings? What does he want?

  Robert Greene strides in full blown with arrogance and pride. He shoveth Bottom in the face as he passes.fn14

  ROBERT GREENE: Aaahhh … Master Shakey-poet. A word, if you please?

  WILL: Shakespeare, Master Greene. My name is Shakespeare.

  ROBERT GREENE: I know your name, sirrah, I was addressing you by trade. Shakey-poet. Just as I would address a house builder as Master Builder or a ship’s carpenter as Master Carpenter.